What Did I Do To Get Here

What did I do to get here?
Now, what did I REALLY do to get here?
I planned every day.
I specified every goal. 
I asked every question.
I released every doubt.
I looked up at the trees, out to the mountains.
I slept many hours.
I swept much ink.
I counted every penny.
And counted them again.
I saw the end of the path.
I hummed songs while I waited.
I kissed quietly when I dated.
I had my website rated.
I wrote more.
And more.
I prayed faithfully.
I listened to other people.
I followed no one.
I kept it simple, even if it hurt.
I walked. I thought. I tried.
I acted. I hesitated. 
I flew.
I cleaned and kept my eyes on the good things I needed to see.
I watched what I said.
Then I said it anyway.
I got what I wanted.
Then I asked for what’s next.
I got dressed to show up. 
I got jiggy.
I got swag.
I got skills.
I dreamt and I visualized.
I meditated, cleansed and
Separated myself.
I walked away.
I let it go.
I closed doors.
I stayed away from corners
and gravitated to open spaces.
I looked up, looked within.
I looked at Luke 21:14-15.
I chose to stay home.
I woke up at 4am.
I read books. I took notes.
For a deeper cleanse, I “repeated steps 1 & 2.”
 
I argued. I hated. I apologized.
I forgave…eventually.
I stepped forward.
I took the stage.
I never looked back. 
“Let all things be done decently and in order.” I Corinthians 14:40

 

If I Can’t, Baby Girl

I can’t explain it, Baby Girl,
..why the calls get infrequent and it’s weeks with no word.

I can’t soothe it, Baby Girl,
.. you’re longing for father’s touch when you wake from a bad dream.

I can’t comfort you, Baby Girl,
..that you won’t feel lonely when your friends argue with their fathers and the space behind you is empty.

I can’t announce it, Baby Girl,
..when your maiden name changes ink to another gentleman’s and we hope that he’s 25% more than..

I can’t complete it, Baby Girl,
..when he orders your pizza with sausage instead of extra cheese..because he doesn’t know.

I can’t forecast it, Baby Girl,
..that the reality of your statistic is that your success rate is cut in half.

I can’t secure it, Baby Girl,
..that you can’t trust him to be on time for the daddy-daughter picnic, again.

I can’t clean it, Baby Girl,
..to kiss off those tears when you come home with no guidance from a broken heart.

I can’t prevent it, Baby Girl,
..when those lions seduce you and his voice isn’t there to guard your livelihood.

I can’t correct it, Baby Girl,
..because the image of his carelessness is scolding you with blind and disregarded love.

I can’t bring it down, Baby Girl,
..how you adore him and he’s bigger in your heart because he’s not in your every day.

I can’t account it, Baby Girl,
..how his latest minx is now the object of his affection.. and time.

But I will tell you this:
Loneliness and solitude have their own catharsis
And your only release is through God’s channel.
God answers any man’s shortcomings, including your father’s disappointments
Photos of your baby days, Discipline of your teenage years
Will amount to fierce argument of your womanhood.

In all the things I can’t do, Baby Girl, your Heavenly Father has positioned your prayer, experience and character so you can say:

”I CAN”

“For all they did cast in of their abundance but she of her want cast in ALL that she had, even all her living.” Mark 12:44

Better Absent at Reggae Fest

Sun on my skin, breeze blowing in the outfield.
Lying in the warm, kissing light of the festival.
I couldn’t have him here. He hates the sun.
The familiar rhythms oozing out of the speakers, that steady beat and shake of dancehall. It’s monotonous to him. He probably hates that, too.
That’s why he’s not with me. That’s why I don’t take him places that I enjoy.
Then he’d hate everything if he’s uncomfortable.
Then I’d hate him for having to listen to it.

It’s a manageable scattered sea of people, vibrant summer colors, tank tops and dark Rasta shirts. Licorice root vendor and the recycling volunteers, wearing a lei of plastic bottles around their bodies. Go green, Rasta.

The women, strut their tightest festival gear, with open-toed sandals, dancehall high heels and Caribbean earrings.
Signature midriff shirt.
Ankle-length, halter top summer dress.
The delicate fusion of appearing “earthy” and “available.”

The men, parading themselves and sometimes their women.
Stylish shirts that might be new, gathering with their friends as if they had someone to choose, a decision to make, a mating dance, all done in the festival sun.

You can tell a lot about a man from his walk.
And here they were, gliding down the path from the stage.
Through the maze of blankets and last-minute picnics.
And they stroll.
Broad shoulders and wavy hair.
Strong jawlines and working hands.
But they are empty steps – with no purpose or standing.
Energetic bodies of vain promises.
An arena full of nothing.

No wonder the women are vigilant, alert in their feminine fashions to signal the parading male who will parallel a good life with the fierceness of his stride.
No wonder the men are frustrated.
This is where their women go – looking, window-shopping and exposing.
No wonder the women are suspicious.
To see their men, congregated in observant clusters, watching and studying the sea of listeners and availability, as if they had a course to chart, as if they had a village to protect, as if this is where their manhood boomed.

And I think of him and his complaining.
His sun too bright and the music too monotonous.
And how I’d never observe the ridiculous parade, if he were here.

“Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners.” 1 Corinthians 15:33

A Single Woman’s Daily Companion – A Relationship Poem

I have experienced delusions of grandeur. 
I really want to complete things in order. 
I feel, however, that God has isolated me intentionally 

And needs to talk to me in private.

God wants me all to Himself and keeps me in hushed, knowing conversations, 

Subtle, inside jokes and gentle steering of where He requires me to be.

 
He makes me smile,
Reminds me I’m beautiful in the morning
Misses my attention when I’m distracted 

And guards me savagely from harm.

 
God sits with me when I write. 
He plays music while I hum. 
He coaches me while I exercise. 
He whispers confidence when I sleep. 
God prepares my money, structures my career and walks with my children.
 
God likes it when my eyes change color…
…when I work a little faster
…when I read His scripture twice over.
 
God pulls me close to Him when I’m angry
Dusts me off when I’m disappointed
Says my name in every language to talk to me.
 
“Love,” He says, “is right beside you.”
“That emptiness – is not loneliness.
That ache is not solitude.
That challenge is not weakness.
It is a chance for your faith to speak to me, to love, to heal.”
 
“It is I,“He says.
“It is Love. I will never leave you or forsake you. But get to know Me first.”
 
I gave Him my life, my heart and my choices.
He gives me Psalm 46:10, Proverbs 3:5-6, John 3:16, Psalm 71:1, 1 Corinthians 14:33.
 
And He said, “..Daughter, thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace, and be whole of thy plague.” Mark 5:34. But before I go, God wants to talk to me privately.